Reverie
march holiday thoughts
Friday, March 20, 2015
warning; this is a very wordy post!!!!
ever since school started this year or even perhaps last year things were never on the right track for me and i even had thoughts of doubting myself, thinking if it was my fault that everything happen. even till today, it might actually be my fault, but at least having a break or mini get away stops me from thinking/ harping about things that will never happen - until the cows come home.
a few things that this holiday made me discern:
- you are fine and okay and you'd always be. even if you aren't right now, one day you will.
- don't ever be afraid to reject people. whenever you feel you should, just say no. no i can't do this. no i don't want to. no i don't wish to see you. just say no.
- nobody is ever always okay, and it's always okay to be not okay at all.
- everyday is a new chance to restart a new life, never wait for opportunities to come.
- start learning to love being with yourself and its okay to not be in the crowd at all.
- love yourself before you can love others, because nobody is going to love you if you don't.
- bad hair days, bad face days, bad days are fine. and quotidian.
- always do your best even if you think its not good enough. nothing will ever stop you from being better but yourself, so as long as you keep trying one day you will realize that you already the best that you can be.
- not everyone express love/anything the same way you accept/ need, but it doesn't mean the love they give is lesser. from saying ilys to buying you a drink when you need, its all the same, yet different in psychological terms, but it doesn't mean the love it lesser/better. never look down/ differently on people who express things differently. we are all the same.
- don't carry faith for people who don't have faith in themselves. let them go.
- not everybody is going to love you, but there's always somebody who would (ilysm btw)
- stand up for yourself when you should, because people would rarely protect you to hurt themselves.
- always account for your own mistakes and own up for the wrong doings you've done.
- don't let them tell you otherwise for the things you love or the talents you have.
- don't you depend on anyone but yourself. strive for the things you want by yourself - be it happiness, finance or even a meal. you can do it yourself.
- STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO MAKES YOU U N H A P P Y , EVEN IF THEY SEEM TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE YOU SMILE.
"even the beaming, roaring sun has its days of thunder and lightnings."
there are people who i know actually came up to me and ask me why do i seem so happy all the time?
i guess the answer to your question isn't 100% correct, but perhaps what you see in me is just the public persona.
i won't deny that i try to be intensively, genuinely happy all the time, especially in the years of growing up, but there are still days in a crowded room yet i feel so alone.
growing up made me realize its okay to have days staying in a corner of the party to read a book when everyone else seem to high and radiant, but most importantly i realized that i'm not who i used to perceive to be - a person with negative thoughts and thinking that they are always not up there/ not good enough - well, if you're reading this and you actually have the mentality like this, trust me. let go of the thoughts, people and things that pull you down to strive to be/feel better and happier. be it a new pen, friend, room, school, life. revamp the things that make you unhappy to be a happier person/ the person who you really strive to be.
school for the past few months made me rethink about myself, but im so thankful that this march holidays got me restarted. i wouldn't even bother denying about how much pain school has given me - **** you if you judge me for being weak/ not strong enough - not just the work, the people who add up to the stress that was drowning me, to give me thoughts that i was a depressed kid.
in life there will be places/ people you dread to go/see, but the society forces you to meet them everyday for survival.
some people would simply say nobody can force you if you aren't willing to do so, then can i ask you, if i hate people, would you kindly sponsor me a deserted island to stay there myself?
no. so suck it up and keep moving forward.
i wont say that i'm a very good person because there are days i hated things so much i wanted them to disappear - eg. myself. - in fact some days i think im not worthy of the people who love me or the things i have, but other days i just dread the people who make me so unhappy that i wished they would disappear instead.
all in all i realized something which was staring at me all this while.
you choose the things/people you want to be with and the mentality yourself. you can be in a room full of negativity, but it isn't going to get into you if you choose not to. you can be with people who makes you unhappy, but you either suck it up and stay happy or let them go. if you don't choose to change, you choose to stay.
let go of the people who makes you unhappy because the life is yours, the unhappiness they cause would be in you, not even them.
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